The best of me is only 6 years old 👶

Writing Tuesday’s journal entry, I was upset & frustrated that I am so behind at this Content Creation dream of mine. I’m about to turn 47, while most the people I know who have succeeded with the kind of content I want to make are only 35. And my teachers are still in their early 20’s.

Relief from this resentment came from remembering that when I was 25, or even 35 I would have still been too shy to be on camera, or do any of the things needed to learn content creation. ‘But Ethan! You like talking to people so much, I can’t imagine you being an introvert!’ True, I desperately wanted to talk to people my whole life. But I couldn’t. My upbringing had imprinted in me a shyness that was crippling.

This all changed when I took my first trip to Ireland 🇮🇪. It unlocked so many things in me. Not injecting new influences so much as unlocking the trapped parts of myself I’d always wanted to let out. That first solo trip of my life, because going meant so much to me I couldn’t wait for someone else, unlocked my ability to talk to strangers, and so many other things that I could not begin this current dream of mine without.

So I wanted to recall how long ago that was. Clearly I didn’t have my whole life spent competing with these younger experts, but how long had I been working on this? The fastest way to check was logging into Google Photos and searching for my oldest photo of Dublin. It worked! May 6, 2019

Looking at those photos of my first hours in Ireland, those memories came flooding back and immediately tears started down my face.

With gratitude.

My brain is good at remembering how much this trip changed me, but trash at remembering how intensely it felt. The man who arrived on that island was not in a good place.

Obviously: You can see from the ticket I was coming from San Francisco.

But truly even more than how grateful I was that trip turned around my happiness, that morning I realized I was even more grateful to have been freed from my mental cage and, after decades, finally able to be myself.

Like a fish not seeing water, I hadn’t once noticed how painful that was until I was free of it for the first time. The relief was overwhelming to remember. That trip unlocked so much of who I really am.

So from this year on I’m going to celebrate May 6th as the birthday of my heart.

I’ve told many stories of that trip, but this one is about that morning of realization. Another unlocked skill I now have is listening to myself. Listening then I felt the pull “I should go to McNamaras for lunch. Think over these memories there.” Silly idea, but that trip also taught me to follow such pulls. I don’t require it to present documents and explanations. Again I was glad I did.

Greeted by the warm familiar smells of an authentic Irish pub, even more memories came back. I felt home. I got a working lunch of Irish Breakfast and popped open my laptop. Then merely a few minutes after I took this picture, the man I had missed, in the red pullover at the bar walked over.

”Ethan! I won’t interrupt your lunch but I saw you come in and just wanted to say hi. It has been a while!“

It was John! An old friend I hadn’t seen in 5 years. After he got married and had a kid it was pretty difficult to get in the same room. What were the freaking odds? The man works as a traveling salesmen, the odds of just being in the same part of the state as him were astronomical!

After chit chatting about Titans football for a few minutes he headed back to his seat and I turned back to my laptop. I thought again: “What are the odds of running into him! It had to be… yes, of course. 100%” I looked over to check and yup, he was eating by himself.

This is why I was here today.

I got up and did something I could never have done before that Ireland trip: I put my laptop bag on my shoulder, grabbed a plate with each hand, and despite it being extremely awkward to carry my entire meal, I felt calm as I walked over to ask if he’d mind some company, knowing I’d still feel comfortable if the answer was no.

That conversation over the next hour was one of the best I can remember. The ones where you can feel the other persons attitude is teaching you something even on top of their words. The listening skills and sincere interest in others I’ve gained from this creative work showed up every second in that hour. It allowed us to go into his family life, what got him into his sales career and what that meant about all the rest of who he is. This man who I already had been friends with, was had even more great things about him than I ever knew. Because before, I just couldn’t listen.

When it was time for me to go, he said “Ethan I’m sorry , I just talked your ear off the whole time. Next time I’ll let you talk more”. A statement that made me have to check I hadn’t been swapped out with an alien.

Now you know why Ireland means so much to me. And why I seem like a child, hurriedly trying to figure everything out.

The best of me is only 6. 😄